Not Guilty

So in case you haven’t noticed, lately it seems like I only write on my blog when I’m really fired up about something and this time it is the “Not Guilty” verdict in the Gomeshi trial.  When I saw it I felt sick to my stomach.  I spent a good hour fighting tears yesterday and most of the rest of the day fighting with my own inner demons.  I even strongly considered calling a rape crisis line, because I, like 1/3 of women in this country was raped once.  It was 26 years ago, but it still effects me and that makes me so angry.  I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to talk about it, I thought I had dealt with it but every time shit like this is in the news I find myself locked in a bathroom somewhere crying and it makes me fucking livid! I’m not crying out of fear, I am crying out of anger.  I am angry that in 26 years our society has changed so little that 97% of rapes go unpunished.  I am angry that rapists who are convicted get shorter sentences than drug dealers!  I am angry that we still don’t get it as women.  That we have been raised to think that a man who is unconcensually violent during sex, or a man who rapes you is still a good guy and maybe, maybe we should over look his predilection for violence because as a whole the rest of the package is pretty good.. when you leave out the rape part.  I am angry because we still devalue ourselves so much that we don’t understand that rape is rape, not just rough sex.  I am angry that we all read those stupid 50 shades of grey books that made us think that misogyny is normal and arousing for everyone.  I am angry that we still blame ourselves.  I am angry that I still blame myself! That every time something like this or Rehtaeh Parsons comes up in the media my anger is not directed towards my rapist, but towards myself for being so stupid, for thinking he loved me, for not fighting back, for believing it was my fault that he couldn’t control himself.  My anger is towards my society and my parents for not teaching me that I never  “asked for it”.

If I could go back in time and talk to 16 year old me I would tell her this:

You are loved. 

You will find love.

 It’s worth it, wait for it.

 If someone forces you to do things you don’t want to do they don’t love you, even if they say they are sorry afterwards and tell you they couldn’t control themselves because they love you.  That isn’t love.

 If someone is wonderful and charming and sweet and loving 90% of the time and aggressive and mean 10% of the time, walk away because they are the broken one, not you.

It’s not your fault

 If someone tries to force something sexual on you and you aren’t ready, punch them in the nose and run away as fast as you can. 

You have the right to dress how you want to dress and nothing you wear says, “I want you to rape me”

You are not a tease because you have sexual feelings and enjoyed fooling around but weren’t ready to go all the way. 

It’s not your fault.

Men can control themselves.  No one has ever died of blue balls.

When someone loves you they will wait until you are ready, even if it takes 100 times.

Stop means stop.

Go to the police. Tell someone, and if they say it was your fault keep telling people until someone believes you.  

That is not what sex is supposed to be like.

It’s not your fault.

If you love someone and they rape you, you are going to feel very very confused and you will probably still feel like you are in love with them.  This is normal, but the way to deal with it is with a counselor, not by going back to them.  If you stay with a rapist he will eventually destroy your life.

Just because you still have feelings for him doesn’t mean he didn’t rape you.

It’s not your fault.

Trying to pretend it didn’t happen won’t heal your soul.

If you meet him in a bar in 10 years and he chats and asks how you’ve been and you act normal and ok that doesn’t mean you are ok with it, it just means you are a good actress.

I read something a few months back that we need to change some terminology.  We need to remove the term “unconsensual sex” from existence.  There are not two types of sex, consensual and non, there is sex and then there is rape.  Two entirely different things. 

I don’t know how to change society.  I don’t know how to change the justice system.  I don’t know how to change men or women.  I just know it has to change.  I don’t want to deal with this over and over again for the rest of my life.  I am going to stop blaming myself for what happened to me and I am definitely going to believe anyone who says they are a victim. Be the change you want to see in the world. #Ibelievethevictims . I am not guilty.  I am no longer blaming myself.

Silence

Silence.

                Silence, it isn’t something we are used to any more.  I am never in silence.  Always there is the radio or an audio book or music.  Even when I sleep I have and electronic white noise maker that I can’t sleep without.  So for a while today I thought I’d just sit in almost silence.. except for the refrigerator and the furnace and the two cats fighting.. ok still no silence, but I turned off the electronics. (please note that when finished I immediately had to turn it back on and blog about the experience!)  Before the cat fight I just gave my full attention to my tea, the smell, the steam drifting in front of my face as I lifted the cup.  The flavour of my breakfast.  The light from the whirling snow outside. And I thought, “ I need to do this more, just be present and mindful”  even during the cat fight I got mindful of those two little beasties that I love so much.  I never really thought about what they do all day when we are not home.  I figured the just slept mostly.

 It seems like I have very much lost the ability to just be present in the moment.  Always switching between cell phone and facebook and TV or radio..  I did a break from TV a couple of years ago, around the time I think when I started the blog and now I am thinking maybe I need a break from all electronics, except I’m not sure I can!  I am currently being trained as an addiction recovery program facilitator and I have been worried that may be I wouldn’t be good at it because I have never struggled with addiction, but clearly I am addicted to my cell phone and computer.. ok I am addicted to the internet.  The catch is that this program promotes abstinence, but I need these tools to do my job.  It would be like a wine taster alcoholic trying to only taste wine at work.. I think that I would just spend a lot of my work day binging on facebook and internet.. clearly this is something I need to think about!

For now I guess I could work on today.  Taking time today to be mindful.  Enjoy the mid week storm day, do some meditation, just be.  No planning, no wishing, no worrying about tomorrow. 

Reading my facebook news feed has my blood boiling today. I keep seeing people posting statements about how we need to stop Syrian refugees from coming to Canada, how Islam is an evil violent religion and how we need to protect our nation. Seriously people? You need to shut off Fox News and watch the history channel.  You need to get off facebook and go read a history book, because unless you are a native person, you are an immigrant.  Our white Christian ancestors came here fleeing war, famine and religious persecution.  Those pilgrims that we talk about at thanksgiving, they were persecuted for their religion and came to North America to escape. My Irish ancestors came here to escape starvation and poverty.  They were persecuted, not allowed to vote and treated as sub human heathens when they got here. If it wasn't for immigration none of us “ Old stock Canadians” would likely even exist right now, so who are we to say that future Syrian Canadians shouldn’t have the same rights to make a new life here as our ancestors did?

 Statements such as, “Muslims are war like and violent” make me want to remind you all of a few things.  Shall we list some of Christianity's violent awful past? Hilter.. Christian, the crusades..Christian, Slavery… Christian, the near annihilation of native people…Christian, residential schools..Christian.  To paint a religion of millions as evil because of the action of a few... Ridiculous.  Are there any Catholics reading this? Are you child molester? Many of your past leaders were, so is it fair to say all Catholics are child molesters??? Of course not!!!  Did that statement offend you? Next time you want to make a statement like, “ Muslims are terrorists “ remember that!

We just had Remembrance Day where we remembered how our young men fought an evil dictatorship for freedom. That foe was a Christian nation that was not acting in a Christian way.  Our history shows us that although we fought them, as a nation we did a lot of terrible things too. We persecuted and interred German and Japanese Canadians. We denied Jewish refugees entry to Canada because we feared some of them were German spies coming to bring their war to our soil. Many of those Jews ultimately died because of our ignorance and fear. We all stood around last Wednesday and said "Lest We Forget" but here it is Saturday and we have already forgotten!  We have forgotten that our ancestors came here to have a better life, that we are all immigrants, that no religion is perfect, that misguided and evil people do evil things. We can't let the sins of a few bring punishment to many innocents.  

I believe in Jesus and he told a story about a good Samaritan.  Samaritans weren’t Jewish or Christian. Jesus used the Samaritan as an example because the religious people of the day considered them the vilest heathens. Sound familiar? Being a Christian is not about whether you go to church, it's about being loving and generous and non judgmental to everyone!  Being a free nation is about giving freedom to everyone not just those who look and act like you.  Being great and diverse means that we have to continue to welcome new people who bring new and diverse experiences. My heart breaks for Paris, and Kenya and Beirut and any other city/nation that has suffered terrorism, but locking our doors and hiding under the bed isn’t the way to fight terror.  Continuing to prove that openness, freedom and equality is the way to be a great nation is the best way to fight terrorism.  That is where our success comes from!  To quote a Charlie Hebdo cartoonist, “Those who love. Those who love life.  In the end, they’re always the ones who are rewarded”