Not Guilty

So in case you haven’t noticed, lately it seems like I only write on my blog when I’m really fired up about something and this time it is the “Not Guilty” verdict in the Gomeshi trial.  When I saw it I felt sick to my stomach.  I spent a good hour fighting tears yesterday and most of the rest of the day fighting with my own inner demons.  I even strongly considered calling a rape crisis line, because I, like 1/3 of women in this country was raped once.  It was 26 years ago, but it still effects me and that makes me so angry.  I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to talk about it, I thought I had dealt with it but every time shit like this is in the news I find myself locked in a bathroom somewhere crying and it makes me fucking livid! I’m not crying out of fear, I am crying out of anger.  I am angry that in 26 years our society has changed so little that 97% of rapes go unpunished.  I am angry that rapists who are convicted get shorter sentences than drug dealers!  I am angry that we still don’t get it as women.  That we have been raised to think that a man who is unconcensually violent during sex, or a man who rapes you is still a good guy and maybe, maybe we should over look his predilection for violence because as a whole the rest of the package is pretty good.. when you leave out the rape part.  I am angry because we still devalue ourselves so much that we don’t understand that rape is rape, not just rough sex.  I am angry that we all read those stupid 50 shades of grey books that made us think that misogyny is normal and arousing for everyone.  I am angry that we still blame ourselves.  I am angry that I still blame myself! That every time something like this or Rehtaeh Parsons comes up in the media my anger is not directed towards my rapist, but towards myself for being so stupid, for thinking he loved me, for not fighting back, for believing it was my fault that he couldn’t control himself.  My anger is towards my society and my parents for not teaching me that I never  “asked for it”.

If I could go back in time and talk to 16 year old me I would tell her this:

You are loved. 

You will find love.

 It’s worth it, wait for it.

 If someone forces you to do things you don’t want to do they don’t love you, even if they say they are sorry afterwards and tell you they couldn’t control themselves because they love you.  That isn’t love.

 If someone is wonderful and charming and sweet and loving 90% of the time and aggressive and mean 10% of the time, walk away because they are the broken one, not you.

It’s not your fault

 If someone tries to force something sexual on you and you aren’t ready, punch them in the nose and run away as fast as you can. 

You have the right to dress how you want to dress and nothing you wear says, “I want you to rape me”

You are not a tease because you have sexual feelings and enjoyed fooling around but weren’t ready to go all the way. 

It’s not your fault.

Men can control themselves.  No one has ever died of blue balls.

When someone loves you they will wait until you are ready, even if it takes 100 times.

Stop means stop.

Go to the police. Tell someone, and if they say it was your fault keep telling people until someone believes you.  

That is not what sex is supposed to be like.

It’s not your fault.

If you love someone and they rape you, you are going to feel very very confused and you will probably still feel like you are in love with them.  This is normal, but the way to deal with it is with a counselor, not by going back to them.  If you stay with a rapist he will eventually destroy your life.

Just because you still have feelings for him doesn’t mean he didn’t rape you.

It’s not your fault.

Trying to pretend it didn’t happen won’t heal your soul.

If you meet him in a bar in 10 years and he chats and asks how you’ve been and you act normal and ok that doesn’t mean you are ok with it, it just means you are a good actress.

I read something a few months back that we need to change some terminology.  We need to remove the term “unconsensual sex” from existence.  There are not two types of sex, consensual and non, there is sex and then there is rape.  Two entirely different things. 

I don’t know how to change society.  I don’t know how to change the justice system.  I don’t know how to change men or women.  I just know it has to change.  I don’t want to deal with this over and over again for the rest of my life.  I am going to stop blaming myself for what happened to me and I am definitely going to believe anyone who says they are a victim. Be the change you want to see in the world. #Ibelievethevictims . I am not guilty.  I am no longer blaming myself.