Free boob

I had an experience today that really made me think about my body image and how it relates to theory’s such as Judith Butler’s. Early this afternoon I was relaxing in my Pj’s when one of my kids said, “ Grammy and Grampy are here” my first thought was, “ Shit, I guess I had better go and put a bra on!”

You see I generally go free-boob in my Pj’s. It is much more comfortable than wearing a bra and in my own home I feel comfortable that I don’t have to try and conform my body to the worlds standards, after all my husband sees me with my clothes off all the time and he likes what the reality is, the rest of the world, on the other hand, is probably not ready to face the cruel truth.

 For those of you young-uns who are thinking, “it really can’t be that bad” I will briefly explain what the effect of milk coming in and failing to breast feed does. Do you remember the line in the Grinch who Stole Christmas “the Grinch’s small heart grew 3 sizes that day” ? Well picture your boobs doing that in one day. Unfortunately the milk eventually goes away, but the over stretched skin does not, leaving behind something that more closely resembles oranges in tube socks than the nice perky breasts of Hollywood. The up side is that if I ever suffer a bad burn and need a skin graft I know just where there is lots of extra that they can harvest, no tissue expanders needed. The result is that I rely on super heavy duty bras that have more engineering than the space shuttle. They aren’t comfortable, but I wear them in order to conform to societies standard that attractive breasts are young perky breasts.

When I first started my job as a bar manager at the local legion one of the members jokingly asked if anyone told me that Tuesday was topless night. I replied that I was game if he was but it would probably be a lot more like national geographic than playboy channel. So I asked myself this afternoon, is this part of what Butler was talking about when she discusses how we shape our bodies to conform to our social discourse of gender identity? (paraphrase). I think so, but am I ready to step outside of that discourse and enact emancipatory change in my life? Not yet. I know that squeezing myself into uncomfortable bras is denying the beauty of my body as it is. I know that it is denying the reality of motherhood and age, but I am not yet ready to become my mother-in-law. She is a 68 yr old who has larger and saggier breasts than mine, but still regularly wears tube tops (or as my teenagers call them, tube belts). She free-boobs like there is no tomorrow. She claims that it is because bras rub on her heart surgery scars and make them sore but I have known her since before her surgery.. She has been going free-boob for longer than that. I think she burned all her bras in the 60's and never looked back and she is obliviously happy to the comments made behind her back. She notes the stares with approval, taking them for admiring glances. I, on the other hand, am not ready for the social judgement that comes with just being who I really am. Makes me wonder who the smart one really is here.

 Ironically, while most of the feminist psychology I have explored blames our need for conformity on patriarchal society, I feel the most comfortable with my body in the company of my husband. When I went to put my bra on he said, “ gonna put them puppies on a leash are ya?” To which I replied, “ how would you feel if I decided to just let them roam free from now on?” he said it wouldn’t bother him in the least, he thinks they look great either way. I guess based on his mother, Freud would have something to say about that, but that is another topic altogether.